Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Workshops from Hell

Ten Workshops I Think I'll Skip

1. 101 Nice Euphemisms for the P-word: Why use something uncooth when you can call it a manroot?

2. Chapter One -- Reflecting on a Decade of Writing My Literary Novel: It may look like only seventeen typed, double-spaced pages, but it is so much more.

3. Correct that Book: Tired of authors using words, characters and scenes that you don't like? Sick of respecting copyright? Ways to alter print and electronic novels to your satisfaction (bonus: mini scrapbooking seminar included!)

4. Death of a Noble Sub-Genre: How paranormal romance and romantica authors are just runing everything for the six of us who still read historical romance, and what we plan to do about it. [Workshop materials required: poster board, colorful markers, glitter glue and stickers.]

5. Ex-Lax in Your Editor's Christmas Chocolates and Other Ways to Get Even: If she thinks you produce nothing but crap . . .

6. How to Really Impress a Bookseller: Learn how to make friends, perform oral sex in small, cramped offices, and watch your sell-through soar.

7. It WAS a Dark and Stormy Night: Opening your novel with powerful descriptions of the wonderful world of weather!

8. The Vanishing Art of Purple Prose: Help preserve romance's roots by learning how to properly illustrate secret, savagely intimate moments of white-hot blazing passion and heavenly undying everlasting devotion in the soft lilac velvety vise of the true love scene.

9. Ways to Win Industry Awards Through Blackmail: Overnighting the entry fee check, badmouthing the competition and sucking up to the judges just aren't enough to guarantee a trophy anymore. How prostitutes and long-range camera lenses can get your book the attention it truly deserves.

10. Wild Sex Scenes in Science Fiction Novels and the Handsome Guy Authors Who Write Them: (cancelled.)

16 comments:

  1. Anonymous12:59 AM

    Manroot? Puh-lease! It's all about the trouser snake.

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  2. Shiloh Walker1:15 AM

    trouser snake? how crass. manroot? too purple. it's LOVE ROD... :P

    This romantica/paranormal author will go quietly go and hide. I'd hate to ruin anything. Yes, I was able to type that with a perfectly straight face. ;)

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  3. LOL!

    I can just see it now: scores of self-published writers lining up to perform oral sex on booksellers. The booksellers will be SO relaxed that they'll buy anything!

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  4. You are disgusting. That's awesome.

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  5. manroot?
    C'mon, it's the triumphant steel pillar of infinite delight.
    The obelisk of passion.
    ~I read the hand-outs~

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  6. Rosina Lippi10:45 AM

    Handouts? How did I miss the handouts?

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  7. Is it wrong that I can't stop laughing? And hey, I didn't ruin historical for anybody. I wrote Vikings and a medieval knight. They're just paranormal. And erotic. OK, maybe that ruins it for some. *ggg*

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  8. Ouch at 10. Ouch ouch ouch.

    People who can't get turned on by, yanno, gadgets, are so yesterday.

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  9. 10. Wild Sex Scenes in Science Fiction Novels and the Handsome Guy Authors Who Write Them:

    I shall take that as a challenge.

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  10. I hear there's a last minute entry: Pimp That Cover. At last, historical romances will have the cover art that the purple passionate prose truly deserves.
    Ann

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  11. 10. Wild Sex Scenes in Science Fiction Novels and the Handsome Guy Authors Who Write Them: (cancelled.)

    CANCELLED!
    GET SOMEONE ON THE PHONE!

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  12. 10. What's the criteria for handsome?

    Alice

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  13. Lleeo4:24 PM

    I swear I saw all six of the romance readers mentioned in #4 complaining about paranormal/erotica sullying their genre on the comments page of the RWA Bookclub magazine.

    And the next big complaint will be about series in romance. And when Suzanne Brockmann finally gives Jules his own book--*gasp* a gay romance novel!--and it ends up on the Bestseller list, I hope she laughs all the way to the bank.

    10. Wild Sex Scenes in Science Fiction Novels and the Handsome Guy Authors Who Write Them:

    What?! Zornhau, make note of my email (turquoiselily@gmail.com) and feel free to notify me upon any of your books' publications. ^_~

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  14. Anonymous6:13 PM

    PBW, you are too funny!! I think I actually laugh out loud at this blog more than anywhere else on the internet.
    Jess

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  15. Anonymous7:53 PM

    10. Wild Sex Scenes in Science Fiction Novels and the Handsome Guy Authors Who Write Them:

    That's right, Scalzi's not gay. dang.

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  16. This is utterly delicious and allow me to suggest an *inflamed stick" for #1, I swear I've seen it in an actual book somewhere!
    Am loving #9 too, it's innovative. ^__^

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