Thursday, May 31, 2007

The Mercy Read

The Vampyre Who Loved Me by Mina Darker
Book One of the Nosferhotu

How Do I Hate Thee? Let Me Count The Ways! by Jane Duoh, USA
(no stars)

I hated this book. Ha. Ted. It. Abernathy and Monique have no chemistry. They're cardboard cutouts. They're stereotypical mindless worms. Like the author! SPOILER ALERT: Abernathy has sex with Monique on her deceased Yorkie Pom Pom's grave, immediately after the lovely funeral at the pet memorial park! Could Darker have written anything MORE offensive? I hope she makes a bundle off this one, because I am NEVER buying another another novel she writes. Don't waste your money.

The Vampyre Who Kidnapped Me by Mina Darker
Book Two of the Nosferhotu

Worse Than the First by Jane Duoh, USA
(no stars)

I thought I might have been a bit harsh on this author and I'd give her another chance. Mistake. This book is SO bad it makes the first one look like great literature. My seven-year-old writes better than Darker. SPOILER ALERT: What was she thinking, having Abernathy kidnap Monique? After Monique went through the trauma of losing Pom Pom in book one? And then M. doesn't fight to free herself from A.'s evil embrace? This is the same monster who nailed her under that beautiful bone-shaped memorial wreath her mother sent all the way from Hoboken! Is this author for real? Well, be smarter than me and don't find out. Really, I mean it. Get it from the library if you must, but DO NOT BUY THIS BOOK.

The Vampyre Who Married Me by Mina Darker
Book Three of the Nosferhotu

Made Me Puke by Jane Duoh, USA
(no stars)

I read the first two and they were total clunkers (see my other Nosferhotu reviews.) How does dreck like this get published? I walked by this one at the store four times because I swore I wouldn't buy it. I am a dog lover, you know, and I will never forgive Darker for killing Pom Pom. But there was nothing else good out, and I thought I could be generous and give the series one last chance. Not that I was interested in the story, not without Pom Pom, but okay, I bought it. Omigod. SPOILER ALERT: Abernathy forces Monique to marry him! As if he hasn't done enough! And he doesn't let her adopt a new dog! At that point I threw up. Yeah, I couldn't believe it, but Darker finally made me blow chunks. If you don't want to lose your lunch, too, stay away from this book and never, ever read another word Mina Darker writes.

The Vampyre Who Dumped Me by Mina Darker
Book Four of the Nosferhotu

Completely, Utterly Disgusted by Jane Duoh, USA
(no stars)

I told my husband to take my wallet with him to work so I wouldn't buy any more of this author's books. But I had this gift card my sister gave me with eight dollars left on it, and it was about to expire, and so yes, I wasted it on the new Nosferhotu book. I have to level with you: This is the most godawful train wreck in the history of publishing. I'm telling you, it's one endless choo-choo of perpetual kaboom. Like Darker's career. SPOILER ALERT: Abernathy dumps Monique! Can you believe it? For some human bimbo he met like TWO MINUTES AGO! Did Pom Pom's death mean NOTHING to this blood-sucking ghoul? If you buy this book, you're as stupid as Monique. As for me, I am done with this series. Go ahead, stick a fork in me. You'll see.

The Vampyre Who Seduced Me by Mina Darker
Book Five of the Nosferhotu

Why Do I Keep Doing This? by Jane Duoh, USA
(no stars)

The only reason I bought this book was to put it on my FICTION FROM HELL shelf. All of Darker's other books are on it, might as well have a complete set. I cannot imagine why NY keeps publishing Darker. Her stories are ridiculous. Hopeless, clunky swill. The author was through the minute Pom Pom died. SPOILER ALERT: That slut Monique goes back to Abernathy. Like nothing happened. Does she have amnesia? No. She knows that A. slept with that big-chested bimbo in the fourth book. She still remembers her darling Yorkie. But M. says nothing about the bimbo or Pom Pom, and jumps right back into bed with him. Hello? Monique? Did Abernathy suck out your brains along with your blood? I'm writing to the publisher. This has to stop. I'm warning you people, if I see any of you touching one of these trashy books at the store, I'm going to come right up and slap you in the head.

The Vampyre Who Bred Me by Mina Darker
Book Six of the Nosferhotu

I'm Thinking of Killing Myself Now by Jane Duoh, USA
(no stars)

I made an appointment to see a therapist, because I need professional help to get over the emotional damage this author's books have inflicted. Seriously. That's how rotten this series is. I've been having nightmares about Pom Pom rising from the grave. I might have to start taking Prozac. Really. SPOILER ALERT: Abernathy gets Monique pregnant. Yes. The undead, pulseless, cursed demon from hell is fertile. Just when you thought the Nosferhotu couldn't get stupider, it does. And it ends on a cliffhanger! Monique sees a Yorkie and goes into labor on the last page! This book is stinks so much that when I threw it away the garbage man wouldn't put it on his truck. Please. I'm begging you. Stop reading this series. For your own safety and sanity.

The Vampyre Who Delivered Me by Mina Darker
Book Seven of the Nosferhotu

[Out of Stock, New Order on the Way]

Dear Amazon.com: I ordered this book six months ago. How could you run out of copies the week before it is even released? I would cancel the order, but my local bookstore said they sold out of the book two hours after they put it on the shelves.

I have pre-ordered every Nosferhotu novel from you, and I feel that I should have been the first customer you shipped to. I demand you send my order at once or you will be hearing from my brother, personal injury attorney John Duoh.

Sincerely,
Jane Duoh
USA

P.S. If you can't ship the book, will you at least find out for me if Monique had a boy or a girl?

17 comments:

  1. Oh my gosh this is the greatest! I've always wondered if people who actually rant and gripe about a series are actually closet fans. Now we know, ha ha. This was a great read, Lynn.

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  2. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! I felt like screaming and THROWING the books at her by the time we got to seven, lol.

    Oh, yes... and Night Lost is on the racks at my local grocery store! (Which generally only has the big, big name fantasy, for the few fantasy books it does happen to have...)

    Interestingly enough, they just took Talyn out this week (after months and months- I've never seen a book keep being refilled that long there)and now both your book and one of Holly's (Night Echos) are there!

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  3. LOL!
    It's her guilty pleasure... Poor lady! We all know how she feels... :)

    Very amusing! :)

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  4. But...what about Pom Pom?

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  5. Even this stinking cold couldn't stop me laughing. I know that "I hate this show; when's it on next?" feeling, lol.

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  6. Is Jane's brother one of those Spenser fans who continually rail about what a horrible writer Parker has become?

    And buys every Spenser novel as it comes out to prove his point?

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  7. There's something to be said for a good trash wallow every once in a while.

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  8. Hehehehe! Reviewers who hate an author's work but just keep on reading their books so that they can bash 'em. Love that.

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  9. ...it's one endless choo-choo of perpetual kaboom.

    It was at this point that I snorted hot tea with lemon THROUGH MY NOSE.

    Ow.

    That is all.

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  10. Please PBW, won't you give us a spew alert next time?

    My nose hurts because I snorted water through my nose. I can only imagine how much worse Selah is feeling.

    Too funny. I think it's like that with LKH a lot too, and Janet Evanovich.

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  11. Just glad I wasn't drinking anything. LOL!

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  12. Heh. I've met people like that.

    Thanks for the pick-me-up! I needed a laugh today.

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  13. Anonymous12:10 AM

    Do you think Jane spends hours commenting in the fan forums too?
    JulieB

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  14. people should know not to read PBW with anything in their mouths. I learned that lesson.

    hot tea with lemon... oh that sounds nice... lol.

    gotta love somebody who says, I've read every book you've ever written and they all.... SUCK

    ;p

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  15. I have one of those. Every so often he mentions how DREADFUL my books are while reviewing someone else's book, that he LOVES, but it's especially obvious how great that book is when set beside (insert a random Tambo Title Here) because IT was so hideously awful, and he doesn't read fantasy anyway, or mysteries, and said Tambo Title is a good example WHY he doesn't read those...

    Spends more time trashing my book than promoting the other. Makes me want to get a bowl of popcorn and a Diet Coke while I sit back and watch him fight with himself.

    Hating something that bad must leave a lasting impression, so I guess Mina Darker and I have done our jobs. ;)

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  16. Nice. And true, extremes (extremely bad or extremely good) are addictive.

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  17. Mary22:14 PM

    Oh please, can we have more book reviews by Jane Duoh? She is a hoot!

    As a reader, I would be curious if the books were as bad as Jane said, since she had obviously gone on to read all of them... and her excuses were a little weak. I would have to buy at least one of them... which would lead to two, if they were any good at all... etc. I love rabid reviews... they make me curious, and often I find I like the books; reviewer and I just don't have the same tastes in books.

    And these two characters: the dog brought them together :)

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