Ten Knockoffs I Will Never Write (and Neither Should You)
1. A Tale of Two Cities, but as chicklit.
I already had to suffer through Sleepless in Seattle.
2. Dune, but as erotica.
Then Paul's son would have to turn into a giant penis in book four.
3. Gone with the Wind, but Rhett Butler is black.
Hello, two thousand outraged hate-mails every day for the rest of my life.
4. Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone, but Harry (still poor and with a miserable home life) finds a golden ticket in a candy bar which allows him access to a magic candy factory, and then . . .
Hey, wait a minute.
5. Jane Eyre, but as a southern literary novel.
Mr. Rochester's wife would have to also be his sister, who secretly gave away their only child to gypsies before she went mad. And guess who the only child was? Yep. Next.
6. Lord of the Rings, but with non-hetero characters.
And the difference between them would be . . . ?
7. Moby Dick, but with humor.
I'd have to read the damn thing again. Which would require Hell to freeze over. Although I admit, I still have quite a few of those laugh-a-minute lines embedded in my brain, like "Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee." (if it sounds familiar, it's because most of it was also used as Ricardo's pre-death speech in Star Trek: The Wrath of Khan.)
8. Pride & Prejudice, but with vampires.
Okay, that one dream sequence does NOT count.
9. Silence of the Lambs, but as a cozy/craft mystery.
Can you really see Lechter as the bad boy owner of the local yarn boutique? "Do you crochet, Clarice?"
10. The Da Vinci Code, but as Christian fiction.
Here is the entire text of that book: "I've broken the code! Oh. Oh, my Lord. Oh, my LORD. Uh, never mind."
What are some of the knockoffs that you'll never write? Let us know in comments.