Monday, October 27, 2008

No-No-NO Ten

Ten Things Authors Don't Want to Hear (But Frequently Do)

1. "All the other authors are doing it."

Really? I hear all the other editors are jumping in a lake.

2. "Change [important part of the story.] I know it's logical, necessary and even important, but honestly, I just don't like it."

Well, I had the same problem working with you, and I got over it.

3. "Don't worry about the wording in your contract."

Even this part where it says I have to bend over and . . .?

4. "Her/his name isn't feminine/masculine enough. How about Muffy/Chad?"

You're not planning to breed, are you?

5. "I asked [Big Name Author] for a quote, but s/he's too busy to read the manuscript."

And you couldn't wait to tell me. How thoughtful.

5a. "I asked [Big Name Author] for a quote, but s/he read the manuscript and didn't like it."

Great. Now my book will be the featured title at his/her next workshop: "Manuscripts I Have Read for Quotes That Really Sucked, and Why."

5b. "I asked [Big Name Author] for a quote, but s/he burned the manuscript after reading it and won't speak to me anymore."

(hangs up phone)

6. "I loved the book. I couldn't put it down and stayed up all night reading it, and there's no way in hell we can publish it."

Next time, just come to my house and beat the daylights out of me. It'll hurt less.

7. "Lighten up. No one will laugh if your cover art is a little ugly."

Right. They'll be too busy puking.

8. "PW called the book 'an barely entertaining farce of a train wreck; possibly the Worst American Novel of All Time.' We're going to use '...entertaining...'"

I need an aspirin.

9. "We don't like the title."

Two aspirin.

10. "You're not in the big bookseller's monthly newsletter that goes out to a quarter-million subscribers because someone misplaced the wonderful promotional material for it that you wrote and sent to us. Sorry."

(Screams)

16 comments:

  1. *ggg* Man, isn't that the truth? Sigh.

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  2. 1. "All the other authors are doing it."

    Really? I hear all the other editors are jumping in a lake.


    Man...I almost sprayed the monitor.

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  3. Number six.
    Number six would be the WORST!
    Augghhh!

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  4. I just wanted to stop by and invite you and your readers to come by my blog starting October 27th to see me work at a new goal: earn a minimum of $150 a day writing. Come back everyday for an update. Some days it will be a long one, with details about new clients and new things I’m trying. Others it will be just a short breakdown of whatever money I made that day. But at least you’ll get a glimpse into my daily work and see how I’m doing. Hope to see you around!

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  5. Muffy and Chad? I need to stop drinking coffee when I read...

    I wanted to say I've been following your blog for awhile now and really enjoy it.

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  6. Reading your blog is like reading Dilbert used to be when I worked in a cube. So. Painfully. True. Only preserving a sense of humor can preserve one's sanity. (Dignity, let's faced it, is already lost. It's in the contract.)

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  7. My agent sent back comments on one book she shopped. Most of them I dismissed or had been told about up front by the editors themselves. One, however, got my blood pressure to soar.

    "We do not do broad comedy."

    1.) The book, while humorous, was not broad comedy.

    2.) Um... Don't you already publish [big name Florida author with funny crime books]?

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  8. Number six, or something similar to it, has happened to me more times than I care to count. It took me years to understand that what editors like and what they publish aren't the same thing. I'm still not fully on board with that...

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  9. 2. "Change [important part of the story.] I know it's logical, necessary and even important, but honestly, I just don't like it."

    Well, I had the same problem working with you, and I got over it.


    *wipes coffee off the screen* Nice one! Love it!!

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  10. What a way to start the day! Thanks for cracking me up!

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  11. Oh man. That had me laughing and going back to reread and laugh some more. *smile*

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  12. LOL! Reminds me of a conversation I had with my boss one time. This is the basic gyst of the conversation.

    "Thank you so much for all the time you put on that particular activity, but we've decided to go in a completely different direction."

    "So you're basically telling me I wasted about 40 working hours on a project that you've now decided not to use?"

    "That's right! Isn't it great?"


    *headdesk* And management wonders why their employees hate them. *sigh*

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  13. Damn, I haven't visited lately and that's such a mistake.

    You're an inspiration. I'm jumping on nanowrimo for the first time. I picked something original for a name. Kate_Rothwell

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  14. I shall come back here for succour in the throes of nano-madness....

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  15. That was so funny. I'm really glad I found your blog. I'm doing nano for the first time and I think the outline thing in an earlier blog will help... Even though I only have two days...

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