Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Rent-An-Author

We here at Rent-An-Author are aware that the current economic situation has put a strain on everyone's budget. But it also means that more authors than ever are eager and ready to entertain you and your guests at your next special event!

Why pay for over-priced celebs for hire who are just going to get drunk and wreck your house when you can have the intelligent, thoughtful and articulate alternative of a national bestselling author who will shake your hand, patronize you and your friends, and drone out a reading of their favorite hundred or so pages of their latest work of breathtaking genius*?

Remember, all of our rental writers come equipped with:

1. Authentic grungy writing outfit
2. Mug of lukewarm, skin-topped beverage
3. End-gnawed pencil or pen tucked behind right ear
4. Real author hair (in one of the following classic styles: Bed Hair, Overgrown Hair, or No Hair)
5. Mini bottle of hand sanitizer (to be used by author only)

Bonus!! Every author comes with a pen to sign up to two hardcovers or paperbacks (as long as the books are written by them, brand new and their latest release.)

February Special Author Experiences & Events

Go to firing range and talk about your love life with Janet Evanovich!

Have your little girl make evil button-eyed dolls with Neil Gaiman!

Send grandpa to attend church, pray and get arrested for it with Poppy Z. Brite!

Discuss about your purpose in life with Rev. Rick Warren (not available for clients with alternative lifestyles.)

Have an elegant and intimate dinner with John Updike Tom Wolfe

Group Events:

Hot Tub Wine and Cheese Encounter with LKH and nine of her bodyguards! (clothing optional)

NEWEST: Twilight Books bonfire and weinie roast with master of horror Stephen King!

Don't deny yourself the encounter of a lifetime [R-A-A accepts cash, certified checks, all major credit cards or the equivalent in broken and unwanted gold.)

*Some authors reserve the right to get drunk and wreck your house after the reading.

22 comments:

  1. Have Bed Hair, can travel. Um, I got all the jokes except one, what did I miss there? Tell me they didn't arrest Poppy Z. Brite.

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  2. ROTFL! - especially Evanovich/Warren/LKH/Stephen King.

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  3. Charlene wrote: Tell me they didn't arrest Poppy Z. Brite.

    Can't, because they did. While the author was in church, praying during a vigil to save the church. She writes about it here.

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  4. "Hot Tub Wine and Cheese Encounter with LKH and nine of her bodyguards! (clothing optional)"

    Sign me up!

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  5. Thanks for starting my day with a good laugh!

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  6. Holy cow. At least she got some lovely commemorative ink.

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  7. Oh these are too good...

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  8. What does the Stephen King one cost?

    *me hates insipid heroines who fall in love with a stalker

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  9. The Author Events are a killer. Made my day :)

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  10. I don't know. I think Rick Warren would be more than happy to talk to people of alternative lifestyles. They just might not like what he has to say. But the party wouldn't be dull, that's for sure!

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  11. If the SK one is really expensive, I'll be happy to go halves!

    Real Vampires Don't Sparkle!!!

    *needs a bumper sticker that says that* :P

    Great post, Lynn. I had to go and look up the Poppy Z. Brite one though. I'd not heard anything about that before.

    Anyway, thanks for the laugh!

    theo

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  12. Thank You!!! That was marvelous! I almost snorted my coffee.

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  13. Fully agree with nightdragon62--marvelous is the perfect word to describe this post, especially the group events.

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  14. Anonymous5:20 PM

    Fabulously funny!

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  15. I wanna reserve a front row seat for the weenie roast. I'm seriously.

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  16. If we wait a few more issues of Publishers Lunch, I bet those pesky authors will work for in-kind web banner display trades and unused cell phone minutes.

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  17. laurel9:31 PM

    LOL!

    I'll go for the hot tub, but only if LH agrees to skip out for a little while and leave those body guards behind.

    00h-la-la!

    smiles*

    Laurel

    Hey, I didn't see any package discounts or coupons. hmm...

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  18. the Twilight one is a keeper -- too funny!

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  19. We don't have to buy the Twilights before we burn them, right?

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  20. This is hysterical! Thanks for giving me a good chuckle. Loved the Stephen King bonfire!

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  21. Are you keeping a list of authors willing to participate?

    V. funny. Thanks for the laugh.

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  22. OMG that's HILARIOUS! I would so pay for my grandpa to hangout with poppy Z Brite... LOL!

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