Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Hate-Mail Fun

I'm still working my way through e-mail, which has been about 95% enjoyable so far. The other 5%, well . . . I try to see it as a writing challenge. I mean when someone takes the time to tell you that you're going to burn in hell, the least you can do is assure them that you'll save a spot for them.

Honestly, I think we writers are too serious when we answer hate-mail. Yes, it's polite to say things like I'm so sorry you didn't enjoy the novel and I appreciate the feedback but you know you're lying and they know you're lying. At some point in the hate-mail they tell you that they're not going to buy any more of your books. So, why don't we ever have a little fun with them?

Reader: Apparently you know nothing about writing good books.

Author: No, they only pay me enough to write bad ones. Think you can get me a raise or something?

Reader: Did you have to end the series like this?

Author: My editor wouldn't let me publish the version where I blow up the Earth and everyone dies.

Reader: How could you kill that dog/cat/defenseless animal in your story like that?

Author: Because if I did it to real ones they'd arrest me.

Reader: I can write a better story than you!

Author: Yes, but how are you at selling it to clueless publishers who only print crap? Huh? Huh?

Reader: I hated your love scene. It made me sick.

Author: Gee, I practiced that one myself first, and your husband seemed to love it.

Reader: I should give up reading books if they're all as stupid as yours.

Author: I asked all the other authors and they said, yes, they are. So yes, you should.

Reader: I'm writing a letter of complaint to your editor.

Author: Good. While you're at it remind that bitch she still hasn't paid me D&A on the last manuscript, and mention that my ketchup and beans are about to run out.

Reader: No one should be allowed to publish stories like yours.

Author: They're not. It's called plagiarism.

Reader: What a terrible writer you are.

Author: Oh, that's nothing. You should hear me sing. Really. What's your phone number?

Reader: Your book sucks!

Author: Maybe you could use it as a little vacuum for your car.

34 comments:

  1. I've never understood the point of hate mail, if only because I can't fathom taking the time to write to someone I know for the express purpose of bitching them out. What's it going to accomplish? It won't change whatever it was I didn't like.

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  2. So I was howling from about the third one, but that last one.

    I think I've compromised my principles, or busted something internal. Holy bajooley thanks for the laugh (and the possible organ rupture!)

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  3. This amazes me. Not only because I love the books of yours that I've read, but because I review books and I can't bring myself to say horrible things about another person's writing! Authors put a lot into their novels, and even if I don't enjoy them, they deserves respect.

    Some people's kids, I swear...

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  4. Reader: "Your book sucks!"

    They always say this as if it was a bad thing, too...

    --

    Reader: No one should be allowed to publish stories like yours.

    Author: They're not. It's called plagiarism.


    Priceless! :)

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  5. I have never understood the need to send letters like this. I don't like every book I buy, but how is this kind of vitriol helpful. I don't think I have ever sent a letter of complaint, but I hope that I would be more polite than these fine examples of the "Should Never Have Hit Send" group. I really enjoy your books, as I know many other's do. Please keep doing what you are doing to make the other 95% of us happy. :-)

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  6. ROFL @ the comebacks. But you've always been awesome with them. :)

    "I can write a better story than you!"

    My normal response to this has been, "Okay. Go ahead. I dare you. Write me back when it gets published."

    ;)

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  7. "Maybe you could use it as a little vacuum for your car."

    You'd think by now I'd know not to read your blog and drink coffee!

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  8. I shouldn't read that at work, it gets me funny looks. :)

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  9. *snickers*

    I might write some hate mail just so I could get responses like that.


    (Where do they come up with these word verification words? Mine for this post is c*nt.)

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  10. Anonymous9:01 AM

    Great responses! Back in the days when I was in retail, I remember a cartoon somebody posted in the manager's meeting room that said

    "If I return everything you've bought in the last ten years, give you 75% off your next purchase, print you a coupon that says you're our vip customer so you don't have to ever wait in line, and shoot the sales clerk who was rude to you, the stock boy who didn't put out your favorite color, the designer who made her clothing too tight, and the manager because she didn't get down on her knees and kiss your a**, would you be happy?"

    I guess sometimes the old "personal" approach in business just doesn't work.

    Raven (ps. Do you really read your hate mail? I'd think that would bad for your writing. All that negative stuff.)

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  11. Every time you do one of these posts you make my day. This must be a fiction piece because readers don't really complain do they? LOL.

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  12. This is hilarious. I don't understand why people write hate-mail. I can understand if you want to make a valid point but to bash another persons creative rights is wrong.

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  13. SciFiGuy, the do complain. George Martin, who's a bit late turning in Dance with Dragons, gets mails by people tellimg him he's 60 and fat, and therefore should not watch football, post about ASOIAF calendars, or have a live, but write the book before he keels over dead. No kidding.

    There are some real bastards out there.

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  14. I love your sense of humor and outlook on life!! You are an awesome writer and don't let anyone else tell you otherwise!! I wish I had your quick wit!! That was awesome.

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  15. You have the best comebacks. All of them made me laugh but the blow up the world one...good thing my laptop is used to coffee all over the keyboard. :)

    theo

    word: geses, we haz em.

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  16. I'd have been inclined to mention C4 or nitroglycerin to that woman who wanted to know which accelerant she should use to burn your books. Oh, you didn't know that was a fire hazard? Sorry...

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  17. great comebacks thanks for sharing

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  18. Grr..hate mail annoys me. I definitely don't feel the need to respond with, "I'm sorry you didn't like my book..." because hey, they already hate me, so why try to get them to like me? Do I really want someone to like me if they are the kind of jerk who writes to say I'm going to burn in hell and they hope I get hit by a car since I'm such trash?

    Yeah...I don't think so.

    I really, really don't understand people sometimes.

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  19. Anonymous11:31 AM

    Okay, I literally laughed out loud repeatedly through this post. Keep up the good work Lynn! ~JK

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  20. This is hilarious!! If we could only be so lucky to get such wonderful fan mail!!

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  21. Reader: I hated your love scene. It made me sick.

    Author: Gee, I practiced that one myself first, and your husband seemed to love it.


    That one made tea come out of my nose. And it was hot tea. Oww.

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  22. "Maybe you could use it as a little vacuum for your car."

    I misread the last word in that sentence as "ear." Then I reread it and liked my version better.

    Still, consider the hate mail as a measure of your popularity. I've only received maybe three e-mails that were truly nasty. After the shock of the first one faded, it's pretty amusing to pick them apart.

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  23. Reader: I hated your love scene. It made me sick.

    Author: Gee, I practiced that one myself first, and your husband seemed to love it.

    Haha. Reminds me of those "yo mama" jokes :)

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  24. I don't understand how someone can read a book that upsets them so much they have to write a letter to the author complaining.

    If you don't like the book, put it down, give it away, throw it away, whatever, but stop reading it. Is there someone somewhere holding a gun to these people's heads or something?

    Of course, these are the same people who complain about what they see on tv, forgetting they can just change the channel.

    By the way, I loved your comebacks. But then again, I love your Darkyn series and have all the books on my keeper shelf. Keep up the good work!!

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  25. "Reader: I hated your love scene. It made me sick.

    Author: Gee, I practiced that one myself first, and your husband seemed to love it."

    ::spewing mouthful of coffee on the monitor::

    bahahahahaaa! Very clever!

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  26. ROTFL Lynn!
    They're all priceless but I especially liked the vacuum reply.

    A lot of author hate going around especially at AAR.

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  27. O M G! *must calm hysterical laughing*

    Wow. I like the approach there. Down with the haters and up with the witty retorts! :D Thanks for the giggles Lynn.

    -- Rhi

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  28. Anonymous6:08 PM

    Well here is a tad of "LOVE MAIL" just to give ya a cherry.

    I love your Darkyn series, I found it in the library and have been obessed ever since. I almost gave up on the first book while I was trying to figure out the "terms" in this very interesting take on vampires, but I made it through and was glad for it. It was a very different world than other books I've dove into in the realm of vampire novel, but that's what made it soooo good.

    Since that first one, I am doing my best to catch up to the current one out. I am so excited to get to each new one and let the story unfold. Sometimes I blind my husband while he's trying to sleep to get in a few more chapters before I go to bed.

    When your doing something good, that's when the haters come out. They like to feed off you and try to bring you down because you have done something they wish they could have.

    To me, you have given us "grown-ups" our own Twilight. Don't get me wrong I love Twilight, but I am not in that teen range anymore. So having something on my level, with the sex and romance, it's just great (I am 29, for the record).

    Please tell me one day these books will be a movie or on TV...something. I can see them playing out in my head over and over again as such. It's kinda sick that I am casting in my head even...anyway, love the books.

    -Tara W.
    Gainesville, FL
    xxxakimaxxx@yahoo.com

    All your readers that do love you want a web site...hope that it's gonna be in the works someday.

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  29. Here's my beef: if you don't like the book, stop reading it, write a review (with evidence to back up why you don't like the book), then move on. It's creepy/abusive to send hate mail like that - I just don't get it.

    Your responses were great - I particularly liked the one about contacting your editor about your ketchup and beans running out. Ha! I think it might be fun for authors to save their hatemail, create fun responses, and save them in some type of journal or blog. Would be entertaining.

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  30. Reader: What a terrible writer you are.

    Author: Oh, that's nothing. You should hear me sing. Really. What's your phone number?

    That was the point where I went from laughing to not breathing. That was so funny and I am wondering if it really works...the bad singing and all. Keep up the good work!

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  31. LOL... I guess being a writer, you also have to endure the customer service side of it.

    I'm in customer service and I want to be soo sarcastic to people to ask dumb questions.

    Your responses made me laugh after a horrible customer service day.

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  32. Reader: I hated your love scene. It made me sick.

    Author: Gee, I practiced that one myself first, and your husband seemed to love it.

    *chalks one up for PBW*

    Nicely done.

    Word ver: southsa -- where a Mexican condiment meets Southern hospitality. Served with tortilla chips and sweet tea.

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  33. I think you just became my idol. I wanna be just like you. ;-)

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  34. Gee, I practiced that one myself first, and your husband seemed to love it.

    LMAO! So funny I snorted my OJ out my nose. It was painful.

    Keep it up!

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