Thursday, December 16, 2010

Holiday Karma

If he picked out the expensive perfume in your stocking, prepare to smell like a mango, an opium addict or a streetwalker for the next six months.

If she picked out a special holiday sweater for you to wear, be prepared to flash, ring, shed sequins, itch unbearably and possibly have your manhood questioned.

If you bake your own cookies, no matter how carefully you plan, you will make too many or not enough. You will also burn the ones you're giving your boss but won't realize they're scorched on the bottom until he's about to take a bite.

The day after you finish all your holiday shopping someone will ask you to get a gift for someone who wasn't on your list. P.S., the recipient will be someone you don't know, someone you don't like, and/or insanely difficult to shop for.

The food item you are highly allergic to will be the secret ingredient in your neighbor's famous pumpkin bread. You will not discover this until after the emergency room visit.

The giant hole/termite infestation/occupied bird's nest in your Christmas tree will not become evident until you are putting on the last ornament.

The mail carrier you chewed out for delivering a battered box last July will assure that no gift package addressed to you ever again lands unscathed.

The mall Santa will smell like Ben-Gay, denture cream or Jack Daniels, and will go on his lunch break just as you and your exhausted preschooler reach the front of the line.

When he visits, your weird uncle will definitely ask where you've displayed put the semi-pornographic statue he gave you for your wedding.

While cooking dinner for your family you will drop something on the kitchen floor that 1) shatters into a million razor-sharp pieces, 2) creates a small lake of something nearly impossible to clean up fast (like cooking oil) and/or 3) is an essential part of the recipe for your entree, one you had to drive 20+ miles to purchase.

10 comments:

  1. Ouch. That's enough to send a less hardy soul running from the whole concept of the holidays. Luckily I'm in a holiday blended family and we're going low-key this year :D.

    ...should I take my verification word as a sign?? = subcoma

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  2. I've already burnt the cookies. Is my karma cleared off now? ;)

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  3. May none of those things dampen your holiday. Besides, by my reckoning, your karma is well in the positive. :) Best to you and yours this holiday season. xo

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  4. It's as if you have a magic snowglobe looking into my house : )

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  5. Lol, I would not be surprised if you found birds nesting in your Christmas tree. :)

    Luckily, Christmas is a very unsentimental affair for me and my father (who lives in the same town). We've given up baking after my mother's death and buy our favourite gingercakes, there hasn't been a Christmas tree for 12 years now - we set up a pretty, handcrafted pyramid instead, and I usually put some fir branches in a vase. That's about it. And we don't invite relatives who likely will only spoil a quiet evening. ;)

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  6. [quote]While cooking dinner for your family you will drop something on the kitchen floor that 1) shatters into a million razor-sharp pieces, 2) creates a small lake of something nearly impossible to clean up fast (like cooking oil) and/or 3) is an essential part of the recipe for your entree, one you had to drive 20+ miles to purchase.[/quote]

    Not to mention 4) will be viewed by your pet as the Best Food Ever, even though it leads to a vet visit.

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  7. Quite amusing. :) May your holidays be prosperous and fun-filled.

    ~TRA

    http://xtheredangelx.blogspot.com

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  8. I got stuck with the situation where my husband wanted me to make the Peanut Butter Bacon cupcakes I tried out from a cookbook where the recipe was misprinted (they sank like the Titanic). Only he wanted them to be mini and he needed about 40 for the work potluck. I then spent 3 hours researching how to fix the recipe, preparing the bacon, devil's food and buttercream and then baking them, frosting them and decorating them. Not to mention keeping our cupcake loving cat out of the ones that were cooling while I made the frosting. Then he called to tell me he was trying to give them away before leaving work because people thought they were way too sweet and he had a bunch left. I could have spent that 3 hours reading! No cupcakes for them next year!

    Thanks for this giggle Lynn! My sense of humor is fried after this incident.

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  9. Wow, I am luckier than I thought.

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  10. thanks! i needed the laugh. :)

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