Monday, December 06, 2010

Writerisms Ten

Ten Things Writers Say, and What They Really Mean
(The Holiday Edition)

A diamond necklace? Honey, you shouldn't have!

Diamonds? Where am I going to wear diamonds, to the grocery store? What happened to the new laptop I wanted, you moron?

Give me five minutes, sweetie, and I'll help you bake those cookies.

Five minutes in writer time is actually five hours. Or, if I'm having trouble with the WIP, days. Possibly weeks, or months, or . . . look, sweetie, cookies are bad for you.

Going to your office Christmas party should be great fun.

If your boss asks me one more time if I've published anything yet I'm dumping the punch bowl on his toupeed head.

Honey, I love driving around and looking at Christmas lights with you.

God, I could have written two or three chapters by now. And figured out that chase scene problem, too. Ooh, someone's house is on fire -- Honey, pull over!

I enjoy giving signed books to my friends during the holidays.

If my friends weren't such damn cheapskates I wouldn't have to keep giving them free books that they're never going to read anyway.

Let me read you "'Twas the Night Before Christmas."

I'm not going to imagine Santa naked this time. Or that thing he could do with the mouse, a candy cane and that bowl full of jelly.

My book is being released in December, so I expect it to sell like hotcakes.

My book is going to tank because in December the bookstore clerks are going to be too busy to unpack boxes and shelve it.

My family doesn't want me to hog the conversation at the dinner table.

If I tell one more decapitation story and make Grandma throw up again my family is going to make me eat dinner on a tray in my room.

Of course I'll make it to church on time.

They still do that midnight mass thing, right?

The holidays always fill me with joy.

Which holidays are these again?

14 comments:

  1. ROFL! Oh, yes! Thanks for the giggle.

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  2. Ooh, someone's house is on fire -- Honey, pull over!

    That is SO right on, lol.

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  3. "Ooh, someone's house is on fire -- Honey, pull over!"

    Yeah, that's me. My hubby once tore an article out of the newspaper to save for me. It was about autopsies. He's so thoughtful that way. It was the coolest little present ever.

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  4. Selah9:30 AM

    That first one? An almost word-for-word repeat of a conversation heard at our dinner table just last night.

    Skip the diamonds, buy the laptop, dammit.

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  5. LOL, I love the first one! I definitely prefer new writing materials over diamonds!

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  6. Ha! So right on. Really, who needs cookies?

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  7. Haha, these are hilarious--and sooo true! Thanks for the laughs. :) Definitely made my morning.

    ~TRA

    http://xtheredangelx.blogspot.com

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  8. Anne V.10:42 AM

    I too yearn for the laptop.

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  9. No, no, no! I'm sorry but cookies can never, ever, be "bad" for you!

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  10. Let me read you "'Twas the Night Before Christmas."

    I'm not going to imagine Santa naked this time. Or that thing he could do with the mouse, a candy cane and that bowl full of jelly.

    For me at least, the funniest one in the bunch. I can't tell you how many times my mind has wandered in...inappropriate directions during stuff like that. ;o)

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  11. Very funny! Made me smile =)

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  12. Hilarious! And so very true!

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  13. Hilarious stuff. I've experienced a few of them lately already

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  14. I am constantly using the "five more minutes" line, and my family has finally deciphered the meaning. Still, if you bake a buttload of cookies at once, then you have a quick and easy, one handed breakfast and lunch for the next few days. This will more than make up for any missed writing time.

    Now, where are those dam cookies?

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